All Jittery

I can't tell if this feeling is nervousness, excitement, or the aftermath of four hours of sleep following an amazing show.


when i die, will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
it's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death

when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
this might be our only chance

let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive

Two Weeks

Is thirteen days too long.

Before I Go

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know

But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world

We chase down these days with talks of the places that we will go

There are some of you I may never see again. Some not for ten years. Some everyday. No matter what the case, for six years you have been like family. Thank you.

Congratulations '09.

I Feel Like A New Man

Hair cut. Clean shave. Tight tux. Beautiful woman on my arm. And a brand new outlook on life. 

I don't remember the last time I felt this good. I don't know I ever have.

Unexpected Places

I've been getting nothing but shit from my brothers, their girlfriends, and even my parents. My cousin's husband, the person I least expect something serious to come from told me the first real thing I've heard in weeks. And it scared the hell out of me. 

"Virginia huh? One Summer of love. This is going to rip your heart out."

God Damn It. I'm afraid he's never been more right.

This weekend

couldn't have been better. 

Bonfire. 

Anals and Semens. 

F'ed up hand ( stupid couch.) 

Bow Ties. 

Omega Man. 

Pool. 

Sleep at midnight, up at 5. 

Mt. Baldy. Kicked my ass. 

GCW vs MCQ. 

Wrote my name in the snow. 

Ski Lodges may as well be called heaven. 

Ski Lift rollercoaster. 

13 people in one van. 

The Best Ruffles and French Onion dip I've ever had. 

Kathleen confused. 

Fake parking ticket. 

Pool Again. 

Falling asleep with Cup of Noodles in hand. 

This is exactly what I've been waiting for. Exactly what I needed.

I'm staring to think

marshmallows are just cupid's arrows in disguise.

Desperate for changing 
Starving for truth 
I'm closer to where I started 
Chasing after you 
I'm falling even more in love with you 
Letting go of all I've held onto 
I'm standing here until you make me move 
I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

Forgetting all I'm lacking 
Completely incomplete 
I'll take your invitation 
You take all of me now... 

And Then The Gov Test Was Destroyed.

That was the easiest AP i've taken and probably will take. It's a shame the real teachers don't have a chance to prove themselves.

Why Am I Afriad

when I know this is what I want and what is right.

here's the pitch

slow and straight

all I have to do is swing 

and I'm a hero

but I'm a zero

I don't want to

turn into my brothers. You're 26. Grow the fuck up.

And In That Moment

I heard Clark Gable.

I felt nothing.

I've been hoping for this for a long time, and it was brilliant.

Now I just hope it doesn't spread into the things I still care about.

1. You gotta take it kind of slowly

2. You gotta hurry up and make your move

3. You gotta tell her that she's pretty

4. You gotta be the perfect gentleman

when you gotta shake the wall, you gotta make it bend

you gotta show her that

she's the balance beam

and i keep falling all around her fairy tale

I spent the night wishing that was you I was holding to stay warm.

This break is shaping up to be the one I needed. I'm ready.

Chuck always seems to shine a light in a dark room, but never long enough to find the door.

My friends are amazing, now I remember why there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys.

What's the deal with my brain?

Why am I so obviously insane?

In a perfect situation 

I let love down the drain

There's the pitch, slow and straight

All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero

But I'm a zero

Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
And just pass through...

Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?

Tell me there's a logic out there

Leading me to better prepare

For the day that something really special might come

Tell me there's some hope for me

I don't want to be lonely

For the rest of my days on this earth

Thank you, Chuck.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

You Choked.

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Seems like I have something to say, just not exactly sure what.

-i'm happy around you. of course it's now.

-i'm pissed around you. what the fuck? all i have to say. what the fuck?

today was awesome, but feels unfinished.

people so oblivious piss me off.

next year excites me.

next year frightens me.

i'm afraid of messing with well enough. i need to stop because some things can't wait.

i've done nothing that warrants this. i've done nothing but stand by your side. i don't deserve that and i'm not taking it any longer.

We're losing daylight but I cant work any faster.
Under the veil of dusk we go on,
Don’t close your eyes.
What if it all disappears in the shadows that reach from the stars?

If I held my ground would you ask me to change?
This drought bleeds on now we're dancing for rain
We drink the air but it’s still not the same
These worlds collide but the distance remains
We point the finger, never accept the blame and I know, And I know

You’ve bled me dry but I’m still breathing
I swear I’m sucking dry the sky
And you wont ever find us kneeling
Or swallowing your lies

Essentially my top played recently:

I Was Wrong

I brought down the sky for you and all you did was shrug

You'll have to excuse me I have better things to do

I'm leaving you far behind

Hello

I've waited here for you

Everlong

We've been dancing

On a volcano

and we've been crying, crying, crying

Over blackened souls

You suck so passionately

You're a parasitic psycho finger banging my heart

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

Why can't things be the way they used to be?

Why can't I feel the way I used to feel?

Back in the days when it all worked out

Is it all in my mind?

I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

And now crawling I position myself 
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me
I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain, all your rain

I've got to move on. Take what's in front of me and run. I'm done putting myself through this. It's time to look out for myself.

I Want This.

Finally, something I can make up my mind on. I want this. I know I do.

Only problem is I know I'm not ready. Not ready to move on and not ready for you. Until that time comes, I'm not willing to take the next step.

This deserves my 100%, my all, and right now I'm not ready to give it. I only hope by the time I am, it's not too late.

You crawl in bed its three am,
you smell of wine and cigarettes
A butterfly under the glass,
you are beautiful but you're not going anywhere
We do the same thing every night,
I swear Ive heard this song before
A swimmer who has seen a shark,
I should really be more wary of the water

You came, you saw, you conquered
Everyone,
I'm left here guessing
Oh, what went wrong
Yeah I'm down but not out
And far from done
Hey all, Beware! criminal

A prism with an intellect
You throw your light selectively
You stole my glow a seasoned thief
The blacks of my eyes are turning into opals
Today, I walk,
Theres nothing here left for me
but empty promises and the thought
of, all the things Im never getting back

Why Now?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my timing is absolutely beautiful.

It feels like you've thrown me a rope, something to grab on to and pull myself out of this mess, but with less than three months until graduation, I'm afraid I've already sunk too deep. I think it's too late, I can't do this now. Then again, what if I'm wrong? What if it's just me being me, throwing myself at another chance? What if I'm just seeing what I want, making everything out of nothing. Convincing myself this is meant to be, when really I couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't tell is this is real, or all in my mind... again. This really could not have come at a worse time, I have too much keeping me preoccupied, not to mention in six months, I'll be gone.

God Damn, I'm so tired of complaining, but I can't help but feel like this is some sick cosmic joke, someone seeing how much they can toy with me, push me, pressure me until I break. Dangling that carrot in front of my nose, laughing at my stupid ass bite and bite hitting nothing but air.

There's nothing that I would love more right now, but I can't. Not again, not now. When one door closes, another opens, but I may have to keep this one locked, swallow the key and wash it down with the tears welling in my eyes as I realize I'm starting this cycle again. The last thing I want.

I sit here clutching useless lists,
keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah, in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind 

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

Overdue.

I still don't know where everything stands. I don't know the full story, and I'm not sure if i want to.  I honestly don't know how I feel about everything that's gone down. I'm not sure I ever really will.

Because I can't make up my god damned mind. About anything anymore. I don't know what I want. It used to be clear. Black and white. Clear as crystal.

It amazes me how little can develop over the course of years, and in two months everything is turned on its head.

I think a new door just opened in front of me, but I can't decide if I want to wager on the first showcase, or pass it up to see what's behind door number two. After everything, I'm reluctant to dive in head first again.

If there's one bright spot in all of this, it feels like burned bridges are being mended. I guess you don't realize how much you really value something until it's gone. 

We are 2/3 of the way through the year. I want to know how this story is going to end. As of now, it looks like I'm going away next year. I can't help but wonder how much things have and will change between now and then, what kind of terms I'll leave on, who I'll miss and who I'll turn away from and never look back.

I'm joining GSF, I've made up my mind
Forget this thing called love, it's a waste of time
Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway!
Not for one second have I understood
Why they do what they do, why they say what they say

Always happens to my friends, it always happens to me
It's taken me 19 years to finally see
She said "Can we just be friends?
It's just not working out."
Another broken heart that I can do without

Hypocrisy.

How can some people be so completely oblivious in the way they act? Do they really not see how what they do effects other people? Do they really not see the pain they cause? Really can't see what they're doing?

There are many really starting to drive me nuts and I don't know if it's warranted or if I'm just being an asshole. It's people that I love and care about, but I really can't stand what they're doing. Saying one thing, turning around doing the opposite. Lieing to my face. Telling me one thing and meaning quite the opposite. Cut it out.

I don't know if I'm the only one experiencing this or if it's happening to you too, but I hate it. I want to be happy and enjoy the last few months I'm spending with you guys, but it makes it ridiculously hard when everything coming out of your mouth is pissing me off. I can't tell if it's just because of all the shit going on right now or what, but I want it to stop. 

Recently I've started to hate everything I do, am I guitly of everything I'm complaining about?

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Eternal Sunshine...

Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

This quote was immediately followed by the crack of my jaw hitting the floor. In two seconds, Jim Carey summed up every relationship I've ever had with a girl. Quite literally, all of them. To be completely honest, if you are a girl, and we're friends, and have said more than ten words to each other, then at one point or another I've been in love. Scratch that, I fell for seven last year. Most of the time i realize that I'm just being stupid and shake that feeling in a minute, although sometimes it takes a day, a week, a month, sometimes years. When I find myself falling into this trap now, I know better and am able to convince myself that I'm not really feeling this, that my head is lying to me. Realizing this about myself, however, has caused me to question every feeling I have. With everyone I see, I have to figure out if what I'm feeling is real, or if I'm just lying to myself because I love the idea of being in love.

Now I'm trying to figure out if this trait is a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, I've started many friendships solely because I wanted to get to know a girl better, but on the other hand, this has caused so much heartache, trying to figure out how I feel, how they feel, how everything will work out, it makes me want to just get away.

Eternal Sunshine is easily one of my favorite movies now, and it just makes me think: If you could erase an entire person, everything they gave you, every conversation you've ever had, every emotion they've ever aroused, every single moment you spent with them, thinking of them, dreaming of them, everything they've ever meant to you, would you?

Is that seat taken 

Congratulations 
Would you like to take a walk with me 

My mind it kind of goes fast 
I try to slow it down for you 
I think I'd love to take a drive 
I want to give you something 
I've been wanting to give to you for years 
My heart 

My heart, my pain won't cover up 
You left me
My heart won't take this cover up 
You left me

I came to see the light in my best friend 
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been 
My chance of being open was broken 
And now you're Mrs. him. 

My words they don't come out right 
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you 
I think I'm going to take that drive 
I want to give you something 
I've been wanting to give to you for years 
My heart

And I can't change this 
I can never take it back 
But now I can't change your mind 

Everything Hurts.

My Body. My Head. My Mind. My Heart. My Decisions. My Actions. My Reactions.

Everything is killing me right now. I got the worst news of my life yesterday and I don't know where to go from here. Ever get that feeling every time you get a little air, life finds a way to push you back down in the dirt? It just put me six feet under. I'm going to be leaning hard on you guys for a while. I don't want to be a burden, but I know I'm going to need help.

Nothing hurts more than seeing your dad cry and knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

The Big Game.

Two years ago I tried out for a team. Went out there, did my best, got upstaged and sent to the bench. For the next two years, as I watched that team go through highs and lows, all I could do is sit from the side and smile like I didn't care I wasn't in the game, like I was over my missed opportunity. I couldn't share in their victories because I'm not a part of it. I wanted to get away and start fresh somewhere new, but I couldn't give up the thought of making that team. Some time later, I get my chance. I step onto the field, feeling like this is my shot, my opportunity I struck out on so long ago. In an attempt to make up for wasted time, I've over zealous. I rush it. I force it. I ruin it. I step up and fumble, strike out, throw an interception, miss the buzzer beater. I lose it. The shot I've been waiting for, it's gone. Now I feel like the forty year old man who can't move on from his glory days before he blew out his knee in the big game. I can't get over what could have been if I had kept my head in the game. I'm tired of hearing suck it up and get over it, it seems that's all the advice I can get. Truth is I can't stand that I can't get over this. It's gone, over, done. Move on. Stop bitching and be happy. I tell myself that every night, and every morning I wake up pissed that I couldn't stay in that dream for a few minutes longer.

Maybe going away for college really is my only option at this point. I need to get away from everything I've been tied to for years. Therein lies the problem though. OA is all I've known for years, I don't have much else to fall back on. I haven't met new people, made new friends that aren't from school in six years. If I ditch these people, I'm leaving just about everyone behind, and that scares the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do at this point.

i wanna pierce my tongue
it doesn't hurt, it feels fine
the trivial sublime
i'd like to turn off time
and kill my mind
you kill my mind
paranoia paranoia
everybody's coming to get me
just say you never met me
i'm going underground with the moles
hear the voices in my head
i swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
but if you're bored then you're boring
the agony and the irony, they're killing me

You can call me Holden.

First things first. I don't know if you read this or not, but if you do. Thank you. You made my day.

In the last week and a half or so it feels like everything and nothing has changed. I thought I was getting better. I had an amazing day and just let, of all things, facebook spoil it for me. I'm trying to rationalize everything I'm feeling, and can't find answers for anything. I keep thinking I finally know what's wrong, just to lose it in an instant and spend the next ten minutes trying to get back what I've lost.

Some of the realizations I've made in the past few weeks:

I need some finality but sure as hell don't want it.

Everything is frought with meaning to me, I don't know why I can't see things at face value.

There's nothing that makes me feel better than helping out a friend. I find it special (that's not the word I'm looking for, closest thing) that someone is willing to open up to me and trust me with their problems.

It bothers me that I can't do the same.

I hate thinking about it. I hate pushing the thought out. I can't just skip this and hope it works out for the best. 

I don't know how people have stood to be around me the past few weeks. I've been depressing and bitchy as hell. Thank you.

It drives me crazy when people say "I'm fine," when they obviously aren't. I do this all the time.

I feel like I'm far from hitting my true potential, but I don't know what steps I have to take to get there.

I hate it when people whisper to each other in front of your face. I hate it when people tell you something, just enough to get your attention, followed by "oh wait, nevermind."

Looking at old AIM conversations makes me feel great right before they crush me.

I absolutely LOVE my timing.

I hate that it took me this long to realize these things.

Wow that list is a lot longer than I thought it would be. There's much more, I'm just not sure how to put those things into words yet.

A while ago I found the old notes we took for Catcher In The Rye. It was the attributes of Holden Caufield. Those things were: exaggeration, depression, isolation, violent outbursts, lying, nervousness, fantasy world, emotionally unstable, and having immature relationships with women. A year ago, I fit pretty loosely into a few categories. Right now I'm hitting 8 straight in the face. A few months ago I'd say I fit under two. I didn't know it was possible to swing so hard.

God Damn it. I have so much more to say, but it all boils down to: I'm tired of this.

All day 
Staring at the ceiling 
Making friends with shadows on my wall 
All night 
Hearing voices telling me 
That I should get some sleep 
Because tomorrow might be good for something 
Hold on 
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a 
Breakdown 
I don't know why 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 
I know, right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be 

FML

Shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty couple of weeks.

Passing out, broken nose, rugburned face, ripping pants, freezing off a nut, stabbed in the leg - three times, hours wasted figuring out what to do, dreaming about it every night, only to lose it the next day, being a complete dumbass in the process.

Gotta love my timing. Boring friday night. Wake up ten minutes too late. Finally get back to sleep, only to wake up at 6:30. Ah, valentine's is a lonely day, especially when you're up practically before the sun, but no one else is. Sleeping isn't even fun like it was before, or just a few days ago. No more lycan love, sailing a ship, chasing girls in Vdub busses (still can't explain this one), no more wishing I could fall asleep and get to these things. I've pulled a 180. Now I can't stay awake, and as soon as my head hits pillow, I'm off to a depressing night of my mind making fun of me.

Feels like the last twelve years, ten years, six years, three years just went down the drain.

I've been looking at this for half an hour now and I know there's more I want to say. Just not sure exactly what that is because I really don't know how I feel at the moment. Pain, longing, wishing, praying, and for some reason, hope. This last month has changed me, I don't know for better or worse, but maybe now I can go back to the way things were. They'll never be the same, but maybe enough to be happy and move on. That's a lie, I don't want to move on, I want this to happen. Knowing my timing, maybe it will in a year. Or ten.

And I'd give up forever to touch you, 
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, 
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment, 
And all I can breathe is your life, 
And sooner or later it's over, 
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.

Bleed It Out.

I need to learn to get things off my chest, instead of letting them sit there until I can't breath from beneath. I've done it for as long as I can remember and it's ruined everything more than once. I've known it for years and I still don't do shit about it. Still letting it torment me day after day and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of lying to people just to keep the latest little secret under wraps. I'm tired of telling people everything's just fine, when I really couldn't be hurting more. I don't know why I do this.

I think I want to have this image of being indestructable. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt me. Doesn't matter what happens, I'll be fine. But God Damn, I'd be lying if I said I was anything like this. 

I've noticed myself doing a few things a lot more recently:

I'm not tired. When I'm "sleeping" at school, it's just because there's so much going through my mind, I really can't figure it all out right now.

I'm not staring into space because "I zoned out for a minute." I'm focusing on that one little spot because I wish my mind could do the same.

I'm not fine. There's a war going on in my head just to decide if I should tell you what I'm really thinking. Guess which side always wins.

Why the hell am I so afraid to open up to people? Are they really going to think less of me because I don't know what I'm doing? No. I know this. I still can't get over it. Damn it.

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

Soundtrack.

Ever find a band that just seems to epitomize everything you're feeling? I think I've known this for a while, but it just hit me, Rise Against shows me the words I can never find. 

All because of you, I haven't slept in so long

I've always had trouble saying what I really mean, then I'll hear them, and it clicks.

When I do I dream, of drowning in the ocean

The moment's always passed though, too late to really say what I want.

Longing for the shore, where I can lay my head down

I always thought it was strange that one or two songs would fit a situation so perfectly, until I found their older stuff, and realized it all fits.

I'll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out

Fight back the impulse
To turn my head and close my eyes

Seems like a strange place to find meaning in lyrics.

When I first heard them, I didn't see past the exterior, didn't see the truth in what they say.

Spending these nights awake and cold and paralyzed
Wonder how we got this far and never realized

Damn it feels good finding something that expresses everything so clearly.

The common thread that binds our lives
And I know you hurt
But I can help you if you can

Days blurred into each other 
Though everything seemed clear

I only wish it could tell me where to go from here.

We cruised along at half speed 
But then we shifted gears 

Seems like it always comes down to finding that next step. Even though I can never push myself to take it.

If we could only please be on our way, I would not run.

That's when things got out of control.

Damn I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just feels like I have something to say. Date Rape seemed as good a place to start as any.

God I have the worst luck sometimes. This week has been such a mix of good and bad. I passed out giving blood, lost a fight with a floor, still can't breathe out of my nose right, almost just red ringed my xbox (again), and to top it off, got stung by a bee IN a movie theater. HOW? I guess I take the good with the bad though. I kicked the english final's ass, pulled decent on my synthesis, and had a ridiculously fun weekend between basketball, gov (who knew it could be fun?), hiking and a movie.

It just seems like I'm missing that one thing that will make it all click.

I blame it on my timing. That's something to hold on to for later though.

It feels like I'm so close to finally being where I want to be, but I don't know how to take that next step. Knowing me, by the time I do, that opportunity will be long gone. And I don't want to miss it again.

She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground, 
Holding her breath to hear something, but the dirt made not a sound tonight

Echoes of songs still lurk on distant foreign shores, where we
Danced just to please the gods that only ask for more, and so it goes

But still we give ourselves to this
We can't spend our lives waiting to live

On cold nights
In a prayer for dawn
But daylight
Isn't what she wants

The concrete

Calls my name again
I'm falling
Through the cracks I slip

The postcard says wish you were here
But I'd rather I was there, holding
On to the simple things before they disappear, that's what I meant

Today.

Nothing important. 

"In an iron triangle, why is the interest group's point more..... pointy?"

"I think they only have too much power when we think they have too much power."

"If every group has a group fighting against it, who's against MADD?"

"Fathers For Drunk Driving."

Martin is Gay for Robots and Zack is eaten by condors.

Dunno, seemed like a pretty good day, figured I'd share it. Also, I love the rain.

And the girl in the front of the room,
So close yet so far y'know she never seemed to ntice
That this silly schoolboy crush
Wasn't just pretend.

Life goes by so fast
You only want to do what you think is right.
Close your eyes and then it's past;
Story of my life

It's Strange....

things are far from great, but for some reason, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. I don't know why. I haven't slept well in a week and my face looks like it got hit with a belt sander, but for some reason I'm enjoying every minute of it. Sure things could be better, plenty I wish was different, but I'm alright with it for now.

Figures this would finally happen with 85 days of school left. It's taken me five and a half years and I'm finally hitting my stride.

God damn. Why did this have to happen so late? Everyone's ready to put school past them and forget about everything that's gone down here, and I don't want to leave. I'm not ready to put this behind me. I don't want to lose everything I've known for the last six years.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds

I found a flower at my feet

Bending there in my direction

I wrapped a hand around its stem

I pulled until the roots gave in

Finding out what I've been missing

Late Nights. Mornings too soon.

Hmmmmm. Never done one of these before. What should I start with? How about why I'm up right now.

This makes three late nights in a row. Not because of homework or a project, or even because of video games. That's three late nights because I don't want to go to sleep. Every night I crawl into bed and the same few thoughts come to mind. It's nothing I can really help. Looking at my sheets is enough to set it off. If I can shake it off and finally get to sleep. Things are amazing. In the late hours, it's perfect. Everything is up to me. If I want to fly, I fly. If I want to kill zombies, I kill zombies. Everything I could ever imagine is at my figertips. Sounds perfect, right? Only problem is, I can't sleep forever. Eventually (6:30 the past few days), this dream world comes crashing down. I wake up to a cold bed, hugging a pillow, wishing, hoping, praying that this is a dream too. That in a minute I'll snap out of it, back to a place where I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want.

The seconds tick down in this lonely minute and I realize I'm stuck with another day of the same. Another day grasping at the dreams that filled my mind the night before. Another day coming up short.

This is why I've been avoiding sleeping with a passion the last few nights, knowing that real life is not going to live up to everything I dream of, at least not today. At first, I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't want to sleep more, escape from the real world and give myself a chance at being happy, but then I realized, if I go to sleep, I have to wake up. I have to start this cycle once more. I want to break the chain, but right now, I have no idea how.

I have no idea what I'm looking to get out of this thing. I guess I want to aknowledge what's going on and get over it, but at the same time, I think I want to hear that I'm not the only one putting myself through this. Who knows, maybe I am? I guess I won't know until I put this out there.

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream