You can call me Holden.

First things first. I don't know if you read this or not, but if you do. Thank you. You made my day.

In the last week and a half or so it feels like everything and nothing has changed. I thought I was getting better. I had an amazing day and just let, of all things, facebook spoil it for me. I'm trying to rationalize everything I'm feeling, and can't find answers for anything. I keep thinking I finally know what's wrong, just to lose it in an instant and spend the next ten minutes trying to get back what I've lost.

Some of the realizations I've made in the past few weeks:

I need some finality but sure as hell don't want it.

Everything is frought with meaning to me, I don't know why I can't see things at face value.

There's nothing that makes me feel better than helping out a friend. I find it special (that's not the word I'm looking for, closest thing) that someone is willing to open up to me and trust me with their problems.

It bothers me that I can't do the same.

I hate thinking about it. I hate pushing the thought out. I can't just skip this and hope it works out for the best. 

I don't know how people have stood to be around me the past few weeks. I've been depressing and bitchy as hell. Thank you.

It drives me crazy when people say "I'm fine," when they obviously aren't. I do this all the time.

I feel like I'm far from hitting my true potential, but I don't know what steps I have to take to get there.

I hate it when people whisper to each other in front of your face. I hate it when people tell you something, just enough to get your attention, followed by "oh wait, nevermind."

Looking at old AIM conversations makes me feel great right before they crush me.

I absolutely LOVE my timing.

I hate that it took me this long to realize these things.

Wow that list is a lot longer than I thought it would be. There's much more, I'm just not sure how to put those things into words yet.

A while ago I found the old notes we took for Catcher In The Rye. It was the attributes of Holden Caufield. Those things were: exaggeration, depression, isolation, violent outbursts, lying, nervousness, fantasy world, emotionally unstable, and having immature relationships with women. A year ago, I fit pretty loosely into a few categories. Right now I'm hitting 8 straight in the face. A few months ago I'd say I fit under two. I didn't know it was possible to swing so hard.

God Damn it. I have so much more to say, but it all boils down to: I'm tired of this.

All day 
Staring at the ceiling 
Making friends with shadows on my wall 
All night 
Hearing voices telling me 
That I should get some sleep 
Because tomorrow might be good for something 
Hold on 
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a 
Breakdown 
I don't know why 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 
I know, right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be