Essentially my top played recently:

I Was Wrong

I brought down the sky for you and all you did was shrug

You'll have to excuse me I have better things to do

I'm leaving you far behind

Hello

I've waited here for you

Everlong

We've been dancing

On a volcano

and we've been crying, crying, crying

Over blackened souls

You suck so passionately

You're a parasitic psycho finger banging my heart

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

Why can't things be the way they used to be?

Why can't I feel the way I used to feel?

Back in the days when it all worked out

Is it all in my mind?

I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

And now crawling I position myself 
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me
I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain, all your rain

I've got to move on. Take what's in front of me and run. I'm done putting myself through this. It's time to look out for myself.

I Want This.

Finally, something I can make up my mind on. I want this. I know I do.

Only problem is I know I'm not ready. Not ready to move on and not ready for you. Until that time comes, I'm not willing to take the next step.

This deserves my 100%, my all, and right now I'm not ready to give it. I only hope by the time I am, it's not too late.

You crawl in bed its three am,
you smell of wine and cigarettes
A butterfly under the glass,
you are beautiful but you're not going anywhere
We do the same thing every night,
I swear Ive heard this song before
A swimmer who has seen a shark,
I should really be more wary of the water

You came, you saw, you conquered
Everyone,
I'm left here guessing
Oh, what went wrong
Yeah I'm down but not out
And far from done
Hey all, Beware! criminal

A prism with an intellect
You throw your light selectively
You stole my glow a seasoned thief
The blacks of my eyes are turning into opals
Today, I walk,
Theres nothing here left for me
but empty promises and the thought
of, all the things Im never getting back

Why Now?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my timing is absolutely beautiful.

It feels like you've thrown me a rope, something to grab on to and pull myself out of this mess, but with less than three months until graduation, I'm afraid I've already sunk too deep. I think it's too late, I can't do this now. Then again, what if I'm wrong? What if it's just me being me, throwing myself at another chance? What if I'm just seeing what I want, making everything out of nothing. Convincing myself this is meant to be, when really I couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't tell is this is real, or all in my mind... again. This really could not have come at a worse time, I have too much keeping me preoccupied, not to mention in six months, I'll be gone.

God Damn, I'm so tired of complaining, but I can't help but feel like this is some sick cosmic joke, someone seeing how much they can toy with me, push me, pressure me until I break. Dangling that carrot in front of my nose, laughing at my stupid ass bite and bite hitting nothing but air.

There's nothing that I would love more right now, but I can't. Not again, not now. When one door closes, another opens, but I may have to keep this one locked, swallow the key and wash it down with the tears welling in my eyes as I realize I'm starting this cycle again. The last thing I want.

I sit here clutching useless lists,
keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah, in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind 

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

Overdue.

I still don't know where everything stands. I don't know the full story, and I'm not sure if i want to.  I honestly don't know how I feel about everything that's gone down. I'm not sure I ever really will.

Because I can't make up my god damned mind. About anything anymore. I don't know what I want. It used to be clear. Black and white. Clear as crystal.

It amazes me how little can develop over the course of years, and in two months everything is turned on its head.

I think a new door just opened in front of me, but I can't decide if I want to wager on the first showcase, or pass it up to see what's behind door number two. After everything, I'm reluctant to dive in head first again.

If there's one bright spot in all of this, it feels like burned bridges are being mended. I guess you don't realize how much you really value something until it's gone. 

We are 2/3 of the way through the year. I want to know how this story is going to end. As of now, it looks like I'm going away next year. I can't help but wonder how much things have and will change between now and then, what kind of terms I'll leave on, who I'll miss and who I'll turn away from and never look back.

I'm joining GSF, I've made up my mind
Forget this thing called love, it's a waste of time
Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway!
Not for one second have I understood
Why they do what they do, why they say what they say

Always happens to my friends, it always happens to me
It's taken me 19 years to finally see
She said "Can we just be friends?
It's just not working out."
Another broken heart that I can do without

Hypocrisy.

How can some people be so completely oblivious in the way they act? Do they really not see how what they do effects other people? Do they really not see the pain they cause? Really can't see what they're doing?

There are many really starting to drive me nuts and I don't know if it's warranted or if I'm just being an asshole. It's people that I love and care about, but I really can't stand what they're doing. Saying one thing, turning around doing the opposite. Lieing to my face. Telling me one thing and meaning quite the opposite. Cut it out.

I don't know if I'm the only one experiencing this or if it's happening to you too, but I hate it. I want to be happy and enjoy the last few months I'm spending with you guys, but it makes it ridiculously hard when everything coming out of your mouth is pissing me off. I can't tell if it's just because of all the shit going on right now or what, but I want it to stop. 

Recently I've started to hate everything I do, am I guitly of everything I'm complaining about?

Ever carried the weight of another?
For how long?
I walk as far as they need to recover
For how long?

I want to carry a piece of who I was before
So when I hit the wall, I really hit the wall
I want to tear away the death again
A whiter shade of fucking meth again
I want to stick to clues, I want to come unglued
I want to shape the world to fit the way you move
Oh, should I listen for a dress size?

I owned up, I've grown up, do you remember me?
I showed up and so what if I'm the used to be
I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry I was sorry
But I'm happy that you're happy
This is no longer about me

Trade rules, switch sides for your beautiful eyes
Let him be you through your beautiful cries
Let him hold you up so you can touch affordable skies
Live your life just like a dream
Without the pain of goodbyes
Goodbye!

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

Eternal Sunshine...

Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

This quote was immediately followed by the crack of my jaw hitting the floor. In two seconds, Jim Carey summed up every relationship I've ever had with a girl. Quite literally, all of them. To be completely honest, if you are a girl, and we're friends, and have said more than ten words to each other, then at one point or another I've been in love. Scratch that, I fell for seven last year. Most of the time i realize that I'm just being stupid and shake that feeling in a minute, although sometimes it takes a day, a week, a month, sometimes years. When I find myself falling into this trap now, I know better and am able to convince myself that I'm not really feeling this, that my head is lying to me. Realizing this about myself, however, has caused me to question every feeling I have. With everyone I see, I have to figure out if what I'm feeling is real, or if I'm just lying to myself because I love the idea of being in love.

Now I'm trying to figure out if this trait is a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, I've started many friendships solely because I wanted to get to know a girl better, but on the other hand, this has caused so much heartache, trying to figure out how I feel, how they feel, how everything will work out, it makes me want to just get away.

Eternal Sunshine is easily one of my favorite movies now, and it just makes me think: If you could erase an entire person, everything they gave you, every conversation you've ever had, every emotion they've ever aroused, every single moment you spent with them, thinking of them, dreaming of them, everything they've ever meant to you, would you?

Is that seat taken 

Congratulations 
Would you like to take a walk with me 

My mind it kind of goes fast 
I try to slow it down for you 
I think I'd love to take a drive 
I want to give you something 
I've been wanting to give to you for years 
My heart 

My heart, my pain won't cover up 
You left me
My heart won't take this cover up 
You left me

I came to see the light in my best friend 
You seemed as happy as you'd ever been 
My chance of being open was broken 
And now you're Mrs. him. 

My words they don't come out right 
But I'll try to say I'm happy for you 
I think I'm going to take that drive 
I want to give you something 
I've been wanting to give to you for years 
My heart

And I can't change this 
I can never take it back 
But now I can't change your mind 

Everything Hurts.

My Body. My Head. My Mind. My Heart. My Decisions. My Actions. My Reactions.

Everything is killing me right now. I got the worst news of my life yesterday and I don't know where to go from here. Ever get that feeling every time you get a little air, life finds a way to push you back down in the dirt? It just put me six feet under. I'm going to be leaning hard on you guys for a while. I don't want to be a burden, but I know I'm going to need help.

Nothing hurts more than seeing your dad cry and knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

The Big Game.

Two years ago I tried out for a team. Went out there, did my best, got upstaged and sent to the bench. For the next two years, as I watched that team go through highs and lows, all I could do is sit from the side and smile like I didn't care I wasn't in the game, like I was over my missed opportunity. I couldn't share in their victories because I'm not a part of it. I wanted to get away and start fresh somewhere new, but I couldn't give up the thought of making that team. Some time later, I get my chance. I step onto the field, feeling like this is my shot, my opportunity I struck out on so long ago. In an attempt to make up for wasted time, I've over zealous. I rush it. I force it. I ruin it. I step up and fumble, strike out, throw an interception, miss the buzzer beater. I lose it. The shot I've been waiting for, it's gone. Now I feel like the forty year old man who can't move on from his glory days before he blew out his knee in the big game. I can't get over what could have been if I had kept my head in the game. I'm tired of hearing suck it up and get over it, it seems that's all the advice I can get. Truth is I can't stand that I can't get over this. It's gone, over, done. Move on. Stop bitching and be happy. I tell myself that every night, and every morning I wake up pissed that I couldn't stay in that dream for a few minutes longer.

Maybe going away for college really is my only option at this point. I need to get away from everything I've been tied to for years. Therein lies the problem though. OA is all I've known for years, I don't have much else to fall back on. I haven't met new people, made new friends that aren't from school in six years. If I ditch these people, I'm leaving just about everyone behind, and that scares the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do at this point.

i wanna pierce my tongue
it doesn't hurt, it feels fine
the trivial sublime
i'd like to turn off time
and kill my mind
you kill my mind
paranoia paranoia
everybody's coming to get me
just say you never met me
i'm going underground with the moles
hear the voices in my head
i swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
but if you're bored then you're boring
the agony and the irony, they're killing me