You can call me Holden.

First things first. I don't know if you read this or not, but if you do. Thank you. You made my day.

In the last week and a half or so it feels like everything and nothing has changed. I thought I was getting better. I had an amazing day and just let, of all things, facebook spoil it for me. I'm trying to rationalize everything I'm feeling, and can't find answers for anything. I keep thinking I finally know what's wrong, just to lose it in an instant and spend the next ten minutes trying to get back what I've lost.

Some of the realizations I've made in the past few weeks:

I need some finality but sure as hell don't want it.

Everything is frought with meaning to me, I don't know why I can't see things at face value.

There's nothing that makes me feel better than helping out a friend. I find it special (that's not the word I'm looking for, closest thing) that someone is willing to open up to me and trust me with their problems.

It bothers me that I can't do the same.

I hate thinking about it. I hate pushing the thought out. I can't just skip this and hope it works out for the best. 

I don't know how people have stood to be around me the past few weeks. I've been depressing and bitchy as hell. Thank you.

It drives me crazy when people say "I'm fine," when they obviously aren't. I do this all the time.

I feel like I'm far from hitting my true potential, but I don't know what steps I have to take to get there.

I hate it when people whisper to each other in front of your face. I hate it when people tell you something, just enough to get your attention, followed by "oh wait, nevermind."

Looking at old AIM conversations makes me feel great right before they crush me.

I absolutely LOVE my timing.

I hate that it took me this long to realize these things.

Wow that list is a lot longer than I thought it would be. There's much more, I'm just not sure how to put those things into words yet.

A while ago I found the old notes we took for Catcher In The Rye. It was the attributes of Holden Caufield. Those things were: exaggeration, depression, isolation, violent outbursts, lying, nervousness, fantasy world, emotionally unstable, and having immature relationships with women. A year ago, I fit pretty loosely into a few categories. Right now I'm hitting 8 straight in the face. A few months ago I'd say I fit under two. I didn't know it was possible to swing so hard.

God Damn it. I have so much more to say, but it all boils down to: I'm tired of this.

All day 
Staring at the ceiling 
Making friends with shadows on my wall 
All night 
Hearing voices telling me 
That I should get some sleep 
Because tomorrow might be good for something 
Hold on 
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a 
Breakdown 
I don't know why 

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell 
I know, right now you can't tell 
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see 
A different side of me 
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired 
I know, right now you don't care 
But soon enough you're gonna think of me 
And how I used to be 

FML

Shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty couple of weeks.

Passing out, broken nose, rugburned face, ripping pants, freezing off a nut, stabbed in the leg - three times, hours wasted figuring out what to do, dreaming about it every night, only to lose it the next day, being a complete dumbass in the process.

Gotta love my timing. Boring friday night. Wake up ten minutes too late. Finally get back to sleep, only to wake up at 6:30. Ah, valentine's is a lonely day, especially when you're up practically before the sun, but no one else is. Sleeping isn't even fun like it was before, or just a few days ago. No more lycan love, sailing a ship, chasing girls in Vdub busses (still can't explain this one), no more wishing I could fall asleep and get to these things. I've pulled a 180. Now I can't stay awake, and as soon as my head hits pillow, I'm off to a depressing night of my mind making fun of me.

Feels like the last twelve years, ten years, six years, three years just went down the drain.

I've been looking at this for half an hour now and I know there's more I want to say. Just not sure exactly what that is because I really don't know how I feel at the moment. Pain, longing, wishing, praying, and for some reason, hope. This last month has changed me, I don't know for better or worse, but maybe now I can go back to the way things were. They'll never be the same, but maybe enough to be happy and move on. That's a lie, I don't want to move on, I want this to happen. Knowing my timing, maybe it will in a year. Or ten.

And I'd give up forever to touch you, 
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, 
And I don't want to go home right now.

And all I can taste is this moment, 
And all I can breathe is your life, 
And sooner or later it's over, 
I just don't want to miss you tonight.

And I don't want the world to see me, 
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken, 
I just want you to know who I am.

Bleed It Out.

I need to learn to get things off my chest, instead of letting them sit there until I can't breath from beneath. I've done it for as long as I can remember and it's ruined everything more than once. I've known it for years and I still don't do shit about it. Still letting it torment me day after day and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of lying to people just to keep the latest little secret under wraps. I'm tired of telling people everything's just fine, when I really couldn't be hurting more. I don't know why I do this.

I think I want to have this image of being indestructable. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt me. Doesn't matter what happens, I'll be fine. But God Damn, I'd be lying if I said I was anything like this. 

I've noticed myself doing a few things a lot more recently:

I'm not tired. When I'm "sleeping" at school, it's just because there's so much going through my mind, I really can't figure it all out right now.

I'm not staring into space because "I zoned out for a minute." I'm focusing on that one little spot because I wish my mind could do the same.

I'm not fine. There's a war going on in my head just to decide if I should tell you what I'm really thinking. Guess which side always wins.

Why the hell am I so afraid to open up to people? Are they really going to think less of me because I don't know what I'm doing? No. I know this. I still can't get over it. Damn it.

We’re all ok, until the day we’re not
The surface shines, while the inside rots
We raced the sunset and we almost won
We slammed the brakes, but the wheels went on

Soundtrack.

Ever find a band that just seems to epitomize everything you're feeling? I think I've known this for a while, but it just hit me, Rise Against shows me the words I can never find. 

All because of you, I haven't slept in so long

I've always had trouble saying what I really mean, then I'll hear them, and it clicks.

When I do I dream, of drowning in the ocean

The moment's always passed though, too late to really say what I want.

Longing for the shore, where I can lay my head down

I always thought it was strange that one or two songs would fit a situation so perfectly, until I found their older stuff, and realized it all fits.

I'll follow your voice, all you have to do is shout it out

Fight back the impulse
To turn my head and close my eyes

Seems like a strange place to find meaning in lyrics.

When I first heard them, I didn't see past the exterior, didn't see the truth in what they say.

Spending these nights awake and cold and paralyzed
Wonder how we got this far and never realized

Damn it feels good finding something that expresses everything so clearly.

The common thread that binds our lives
And I know you hurt
But I can help you if you can

Days blurred into each other 
Though everything seemed clear

I only wish it could tell me where to go from here.

We cruised along at half speed 
But then we shifted gears 

Seems like it always comes down to finding that next step. Even though I can never push myself to take it.

If we could only please be on our way, I would not run.

That's when things got out of control.

Damn I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just feels like I have something to say. Date Rape seemed as good a place to start as any.

God I have the worst luck sometimes. This week has been such a mix of good and bad. I passed out giving blood, lost a fight with a floor, still can't breathe out of my nose right, almost just red ringed my xbox (again), and to top it off, got stung by a bee IN a movie theater. HOW? I guess I take the good with the bad though. I kicked the english final's ass, pulled decent on my synthesis, and had a ridiculously fun weekend between basketball, gov (who knew it could be fun?), hiking and a movie.

It just seems like I'm missing that one thing that will make it all click.

I blame it on my timing. That's something to hold on to for later though.

It feels like I'm so close to finally being where I want to be, but I don't know how to take that next step. Knowing me, by the time I do, that opportunity will be long gone. And I don't want to miss it again.

She got down on hands and knees, one ear against the ground, 
Holding her breath to hear something, but the dirt made not a sound tonight

Echoes of songs still lurk on distant foreign shores, where we
Danced just to please the gods that only ask for more, and so it goes

But still we give ourselves to this
We can't spend our lives waiting to live

On cold nights
In a prayer for dawn
But daylight
Isn't what she wants

The concrete

Calls my name again
I'm falling
Through the cracks I slip

The postcard says wish you were here
But I'd rather I was there, holding
On to the simple things before they disappear, that's what I meant

Today.

Nothing important. 

"In an iron triangle, why is the interest group's point more..... pointy?"

"I think they only have too much power when we think they have too much power."

"If every group has a group fighting against it, who's against MADD?"

"Fathers For Drunk Driving."

Martin is Gay for Robots and Zack is eaten by condors.

Dunno, seemed like a pretty good day, figured I'd share it. Also, I love the rain.

And the girl in the front of the room,
So close yet so far y'know she never seemed to ntice
That this silly schoolboy crush
Wasn't just pretend.

Life goes by so fast
You only want to do what you think is right.
Close your eyes and then it's past;
Story of my life

It's Strange....

things are far from great, but for some reason, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better. I don't know why. I haven't slept well in a week and my face looks like it got hit with a belt sander, but for some reason I'm enjoying every minute of it. Sure things could be better, plenty I wish was different, but I'm alright with it for now.

Figures this would finally happen with 85 days of school left. It's taken me five and a half years and I'm finally hitting my stride.

God damn. Why did this have to happen so late? Everyone's ready to put school past them and forget about everything that's gone down here, and I don't want to leave. I'm not ready to put this behind me. I don't want to lose everything I've known for the last six years.

In fields where nothing grew but weeds

I found a flower at my feet

Bending there in my direction

I wrapped a hand around its stem

I pulled until the roots gave in

Finding out what I've been missing

Late Nights. Mornings too soon.

Hmmmmm. Never done one of these before. What should I start with? How about why I'm up right now.

This makes three late nights in a row. Not because of homework or a project, or even because of video games. That's three late nights because I don't want to go to sleep. Every night I crawl into bed and the same few thoughts come to mind. It's nothing I can really help. Looking at my sheets is enough to set it off. If I can shake it off and finally get to sleep. Things are amazing. In the late hours, it's perfect. Everything is up to me. If I want to fly, I fly. If I want to kill zombies, I kill zombies. Everything I could ever imagine is at my figertips. Sounds perfect, right? Only problem is, I can't sleep forever. Eventually (6:30 the past few days), this dream world comes crashing down. I wake up to a cold bed, hugging a pillow, wishing, hoping, praying that this is a dream too. That in a minute I'll snap out of it, back to a place where I can do whatever I want, be whoever I want.

The seconds tick down in this lonely minute and I realize I'm stuck with another day of the same. Another day grasping at the dreams that filled my mind the night before. Another day coming up short.

This is why I've been avoiding sleeping with a passion the last few nights, knowing that real life is not going to live up to everything I dream of, at least not today. At first, I couldn't figure out why I wouldn't want to sleep more, escape from the real world and give myself a chance at being happy, but then I realized, if I go to sleep, I have to wake up. I have to start this cycle once more. I want to break the chain, but right now, I have no idea how.

I have no idea what I'm looking to get out of this thing. I guess I want to aknowledge what's going on and get over it, but at the same time, I think I want to hear that I'm not the only one putting myself through this. Who knows, maybe I am? I guess I won't know until I put this out there.

But that was just a dream
Try, cry, why try?
That was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream