Why Now?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my timing is absolutely beautiful.

It feels like you've thrown me a rope, something to grab on to and pull myself out of this mess, but with less than three months until graduation, I'm afraid I've already sunk too deep. I think it's too late, I can't do this now. Then again, what if I'm wrong? What if it's just me being me, throwing myself at another chance? What if I'm just seeing what I want, making everything out of nothing. Convincing myself this is meant to be, when really I couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't tell is this is real, or all in my mind... again. This really could not have come at a worse time, I have too much keeping me preoccupied, not to mention in six months, I'll be gone.

God Damn, I'm so tired of complaining, but I can't help but feel like this is some sick cosmic joke, someone seeing how much they can toy with me, push me, pressure me until I break. Dangling that carrot in front of my nose, laughing at my stupid ass bite and bite hitting nothing but air.

There's nothing that I would love more right now, but I can't. Not again, not now. When one door closes, another opens, but I may have to keep this one locked, swallow the key and wash it down with the tears welling in my eyes as I realize I'm starting this cycle again. The last thing I want.

I sit here clutching useless lists,
keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah, in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind 

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world