Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Big Game.

Two years ago I tried out for a team. Went out there, did my best, got upstaged and sent to the bench. For the next two years, as I watched that team go through highs and lows, all I could do is sit from the side and smile like I didn't care I wasn't in the game, like I was over my missed opportunity. I couldn't share in their victories because I'm not a part of it. I wanted to get away and start fresh somewhere new, but I couldn't give up the thought of making that team. Some time later, I get my chance. I step onto the field, feeling like this is my shot, my opportunity I struck out on so long ago. In an attempt to make up for wasted time, I've over zealous. I rush it. I force it. I ruin it. I step up and fumble, strike out, throw an interception, miss the buzzer beater. I lose it. The shot I've been waiting for, it's gone. Now I feel like the forty year old man who can't move on from his glory days before he blew out his knee in the big game. I can't get over what could have been if I had kept my head in the game. I'm tired of hearing suck it up and get over it, it seems that's all the advice I can get. Truth is I can't stand that I can't get over this. It's gone, over, done. Move on. Stop bitching and be happy. I tell myself that every night, and every morning I wake up pissed that I couldn't stay in that dream for a few minutes longer.

Maybe going away for college really is my only option at this point. I need to get away from everything I've been tied to for years. Therein lies the problem though. OA is all I've known for years, I don't have much else to fall back on. I haven't met new people, made new friends that aren't from school in six years. If I ditch these people, I'm leaving just about everyone behind, and that scares the hell out of me. I really don't know what to do at this point.



i wanna pierce my tongue
it doesn't hurt, it feels fine
the trivial sublime
i'd like to turn off time
and kill my mind
you kill my mind
paranoia paranoia
everybody's coming to get me
just say you never met me
i'm going underground with the moles
hear the voices in my head
i swear to god it sounds like they're snoring
but if you're bored then you're boring
the agony and the irony, they're killing me
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5 comments:

  1. AnonymousMarch 1, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    Cameron, I love you.
    Things always get better.
    I'm here if you want to talk <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. philophiliacMarch 1, 2009 at 7:58 PM

    I can't even describe how similar my feelings are to yours right now (from what I've read in this and the previous post). "I can't get over what could have been if I had kept my head in the game." Worst feeling in the world. I know I had the potential to do much better, but I was just in the wrong mindset. I'm happy that I'm learning all these lessons, but feel terrible for not seeing earlier what was wrong. All the important revelations come too late. Haha .. I should probably just write my own post. Sigh.

    Your baseball metaphors amuse me.

    At what point should you lose hope ?

    ReplyDelete
  3. priya.March 2, 2009 at 1:03 AM

    it pretty much kills me inside to read these posts of yours because even if we haven't gotten way close over the past few years, spending time with you at carson's house, during cluster/cluster parties, at taylor's house, during physics study parties, etc. i've come to see how amazing of a person you are, cam. you don't see what you're worth but i do. to me, you're a person with so much unrealized potential, someone with a gigantic heart. i'll even admit that you're rather funny (even if half the time i'm laughing, it's because you're making fun of me ): i'm not fat). you're also pretty much quite attractive which doesn't hurt either(: and i can tell you that while you don't deserve the situation you were placed in, it's unlike you to give up and just whine about what you're going through instead of actively trying to fix it. i know that there are a lot of things that are out of your control, but jerky treee.... we only have 15 weeks left. please don't let these things keeep you down because i know for a fact (and i'm pretty sure you do too) that you're going to regret letting the rest of senior year slip through your fingers while you were wallowing. make something of the end, don't leave with any regrets. and when you don't know how to do that, remember that you have more friends than you can count on both hands willing to help you through it all. me included. love you muchh.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pretentious TeenagerMarch 2, 2009 at 1:09 AM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMarch 2, 2009 at 1:14 AM

    Shut the fuck up and die in a fire.

    ReplyDelete

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