All Jittery

I can't tell if this feeling is nervousness, excitement, or the aftermath of four hours of sleep following an amazing show.


when i die, will they remember not what i did but what i haven't done?
it's not the end that i fear with each breath, it's life that scares me to death

when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
this might be our only chance

let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive

Two Weeks

Is thirteen days too long.

Before I Go

I've got some friends, some that I hardly know

But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world

We chase down these days with talks of the places that we will go

There are some of you I may never see again. Some not for ten years. Some everyday. No matter what the case, for six years you have been like family. Thank you.

Congratulations '09.

I Feel Like A New Man

Hair cut. Clean shave. Tight tux. Beautiful woman on my arm. And a brand new outlook on life. 

I don't remember the last time I felt this good. I don't know I ever have.

Unexpected Places

I've been getting nothing but shit from my brothers, their girlfriends, and even my parents. My cousin's husband, the person I least expect something serious to come from told me the first real thing I've heard in weeks. And it scared the hell out of me. 

"Virginia huh? One Summer of love. This is going to rip your heart out."

God Damn It. I'm afraid he's never been more right.

This weekend

couldn't have been better. 

Bonfire. 

Anals and Semens. 

F'ed up hand ( stupid couch.) 

Bow Ties. 

Omega Man. 

Pool. 

Sleep at midnight, up at 5. 

Mt. Baldy. Kicked my ass. 

GCW vs MCQ. 

Wrote my name in the snow. 

Ski Lodges may as well be called heaven. 

Ski Lift rollercoaster. 

13 people in one van. 

The Best Ruffles and French Onion dip I've ever had. 

Kathleen confused. 

Fake parking ticket. 

Pool Again. 

Falling asleep with Cup of Noodles in hand. 

This is exactly what I've been waiting for. Exactly what I needed.

I'm staring to think

marshmallows are just cupid's arrows in disguise.

Desperate for changing 
Starving for truth 
I'm closer to where I started 
Chasing after you 
I'm falling even more in love with you 
Letting go of all I've held onto 
I'm standing here until you make me move 
I'm hanging by a moment here with you 

Forgetting all I'm lacking 
Completely incomplete 
I'll take your invitation 
You take all of me now... 

And Then The Gov Test Was Destroyed.

That was the easiest AP i've taken and probably will take. It's a shame the real teachers don't have a chance to prove themselves.

Why Am I Afriad

when I know this is what I want and what is right.

here's the pitch

slow and straight

all I have to do is swing 

and I'm a hero

but I'm a zero

I don't want to

turn into my brothers. You're 26. Grow the fuck up.

And In That Moment

I heard Clark Gable.

I felt nothing.

I've been hoping for this for a long time, and it was brilliant.

Now I just hope it doesn't spread into the things I still care about.

1. You gotta take it kind of slowly

2. You gotta hurry up and make your move

3. You gotta tell her that she's pretty

4. You gotta be the perfect gentleman

when you gotta shake the wall, you gotta make it bend

you gotta show her that

she's the balance beam

and i keep falling all around her fairy tale

I spent the night wishing that was you I was holding to stay warm.

This break is shaping up to be the one I needed. I'm ready.

Chuck always seems to shine a light in a dark room, but never long enough to find the door.

My friends are amazing, now I remember why there's nothing I wouldn't do for you guys.

What's the deal with my brain?

Why am I so obviously insane?

In a perfect situation 

I let love down the drain

There's the pitch, slow and straight

All I have to do is swing and I'm a hero

But I'm a zero

Hungry nights, once again
Now it's getting unbelievable.
'Cause I could not have it better,
But I just can't get no play
From the girls, all around
As they search the night for someone to hold onto.
And just pass through...

Get your hands off the girl,
Can't you see that she belongs to me?
And I don't appreciate this excess company.
Though I can't satisfy all the needs she has
And so she starts to wander...
Can you blame her?

Tell me there's a logic out there

Leading me to better prepare

For the day that something really special might come

Tell me there's some hope for me

I don't want to be lonely

For the rest of my days on this earth

Thank you, Chuck.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

You Choked.

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd
I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

Seems like I have something to say, just not exactly sure what.

-i'm happy around you. of course it's now.

-i'm pissed around you. what the fuck? all i have to say. what the fuck?

today was awesome, but feels unfinished.

people so oblivious piss me off.

next year excites me.

next year frightens me.

i'm afraid of messing with well enough. i need to stop because some things can't wait.

i've done nothing that warrants this. i've done nothing but stand by your side. i don't deserve that and i'm not taking it any longer.

We're losing daylight but I cant work any faster.
Under the veil of dusk we go on,
Don’t close your eyes.
What if it all disappears in the shadows that reach from the stars?

If I held my ground would you ask me to change?
This drought bleeds on now we're dancing for rain
We drink the air but it’s still not the same
These worlds collide but the distance remains
We point the finger, never accept the blame and I know, And I know

You’ve bled me dry but I’m still breathing
I swear I’m sucking dry the sky
And you wont ever find us kneeling
Or swallowing your lies

Essentially my top played recently:

I Was Wrong

I brought down the sky for you and all you did was shrug

You'll have to excuse me I have better things to do

I'm leaving you far behind

Hello

I've waited here for you

Everlong

We've been dancing

On a volcano

and we've been crying, crying, crying

Over blackened souls

You suck so passionately

You're a parasitic psycho finger banging my heart

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

Why can't things be the way they used to be?

Why can't I feel the way I used to feel?

Back in the days when it all worked out

Is it all in my mind?

I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
so let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow

Take away, take away
Take away this ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I can't take any more pain

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

And now crawling I position myself 
Below your broken wings
I lift your feathered left arm
Where you hide your heart from me
I never noticed it was swollen
With a touch of brutal pain
I never knew a heart could live inside
The rust from all your rain, all your rain

I've got to move on. Take what's in front of me and run. I'm done putting myself through this. It's time to look out for myself.

I Want This.

Finally, something I can make up my mind on. I want this. I know I do.

Only problem is I know I'm not ready. Not ready to move on and not ready for you. Until that time comes, I'm not willing to take the next step.

This deserves my 100%, my all, and right now I'm not ready to give it. I only hope by the time I am, it's not too late.

You crawl in bed its three am,
you smell of wine and cigarettes
A butterfly under the glass,
you are beautiful but you're not going anywhere
We do the same thing every night,
I swear Ive heard this song before
A swimmer who has seen a shark,
I should really be more wary of the water

You came, you saw, you conquered
Everyone,
I'm left here guessing
Oh, what went wrong
Yeah I'm down but not out
And far from done
Hey all, Beware! criminal

A prism with an intellect
You throw your light selectively
You stole my glow a seasoned thief
The blacks of my eyes are turning into opals
Today, I walk,
Theres nothing here left for me
but empty promises and the thought
of, all the things Im never getting back

Why Now?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my timing is absolutely beautiful.

It feels like you've thrown me a rope, something to grab on to and pull myself out of this mess, but with less than three months until graduation, I'm afraid I've already sunk too deep. I think it's too late, I can't do this now. Then again, what if I'm wrong? What if it's just me being me, throwing myself at another chance? What if I'm just seeing what I want, making everything out of nothing. Convincing myself this is meant to be, when really I couldn't be farther from the truth. I can't tell is this is real, or all in my mind... again. This really could not have come at a worse time, I have too much keeping me preoccupied, not to mention in six months, I'll be gone.

God Damn, I'm so tired of complaining, but I can't help but feel like this is some sick cosmic joke, someone seeing how much they can toy with me, push me, pressure me until I break. Dangling that carrot in front of my nose, laughing at my stupid ass bite and bite hitting nothing but air.

There's nothing that I would love more right now, but I can't. Not again, not now. When one door closes, another opens, but I may have to keep this one locked, swallow the key and wash it down with the tears welling in my eyes as I realize I'm starting this cycle again. The last thing I want.

I sit here clutching useless lists,
keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah, in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
Till I understand or go blind 

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

Overdue.

I still don't know where everything stands. I don't know the full story, and I'm not sure if i want to.  I honestly don't know how I feel about everything that's gone down. I'm not sure I ever really will.

Because I can't make up my god damned mind. About anything anymore. I don't know what I want. It used to be clear. Black and white. Clear as crystal.

It amazes me how little can develop over the course of years, and in two months everything is turned on its head.

I think a new door just opened in front of me, but I can't decide if I want to wager on the first showcase, or pass it up to see what's behind door number two. After everything, I'm reluctant to dive in head first again.

If there's one bright spot in all of this, it feels like burned bridges are being mended. I guess you don't realize how much you really value something until it's gone. 

We are 2/3 of the way through the year. I want to know how this story is going to end. As of now, it looks like I'm going away next year. I can't help but wonder how much things have and will change between now and then, what kind of terms I'll leave on, who I'll miss and who I'll turn away from and never look back.

I'm joining GSF, I've made up my mind
Forget this thing called love, it's a waste of time
Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway!
Not for one second have I understood
Why they do what they do, why they say what they say

Always happens to my friends, it always happens to me
It's taken me 19 years to finally see
She said "Can we just be friends?
It's just not working out."
Another broken heart that I can do without